


Shut Up And Kiss Me

by parikalpanaa



Category: Orange is the New Black
Genre: And Hilarious, F/F, Piper is drunk, SO MUCH FLUFF
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-19
Updated: 2015-05-19
Packaged: 2018-03-31 08:39:13
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,717
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3971314
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/parikalpanaa/pseuds/parikalpanaa
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Piper gets hilariously drunk. Tipsy shenanigans ensue. One-shot. Pre-canon.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Shut Up And Kiss Me

**Author's Note:**

> Originally posted on FF.net

Drunk Piper is admittedly one of Alex's favourite versions of Piper.

With her tipsy shenanigans - which include, but aren't limited to: climbing on top of tables and declaring how happy she is because Alex is pregnant (not really though) with her child, and once getting convinced that she was a werewolf who would turn on that very full moon night - drunk Piper is adorable in that baby-does-stupid-shit-videos-on-YouTube way.

Add to this, that not just does she lose her filter, but she also somehow manages to retain her coherence. And that makes Drunk Piper 30 parts rude honesty combined with 50 parts embarrassing shit and a dash of 20 parts love declarations. In short, a recipe for self-humiliatory disaster.

And the fact that it only takes 3 tequilas (tops) for her to expose her own brand of tipsiness only adds to the amusement that Alex derives from it all. When she isn't being made the butt of the joke as well, that is.

So, imagine Alex's lack of a surprise when, at midnight, Piper stumbles into her lap, at this new bar they're checking out, with that "I'm-coming-up-with-one-of-my-self-admittedly-brilliant-drunk-ideas" glint in her eye.

"Pipes, you okay?" Alex asks as she wraps her arms around her girlfriend.

She knows what's coming. She truly does. But that doesn't really stop her from asking.

"Oooh Al! Have I told you how much I loooooove you, yet?" Piper gushes out as she presses a sloppy kiss to her girlfriend's lips.

"Yeah, yeah, you have hon."

"Reallllly? Because I really _really_ wanted to tell you that. I love you so goddamn much, Alex Vause!"

"Trust me Pipes, you say it enough. Especially when my head is between your legs. And since that isn't a rare occurrence, I doubt you need to reinforce the message."  
That elicits a drunken giggle and a few frustrated groans.

"Seriously Vause, we do not need to hear crude, not to mention completely unnecessary, descriptions about your sex life again. Not after last week's night out with Ms. Takes Two To Get Totalled here, anyway."

A scandalized gasp precedes the equally loud cry, "I'm not a lightweight!"

A round of laughter follows.

"Now now, you're all just jealous of the fact that I'm a fucking sex-goddess." Alex states as she flashes her trademark smirk.

"A sex-goddess with hot tattoos and hot glasses!" the blonde in her lap pipes up.

"Babe, don't you mean hot _everything_?"

"Ooh Al, remember that thing we did with your glasses and that outfit-" Piper's words are cut off when Alex's hand jumps to her mouth.

"I never thought I would say this, but that would be a little too much, Pipes." She grins.

"Seriously guys, TMI! Google it!"

"But anyway, Alex, we'll see about 'jealous' in a bit. Hey Piper, did you know they have karaoke here?"

"Oh God no!" Alex groans out to Piper's unshockingly enthusiastic squeal of delight.

"Oh come on, Al! Don't be such a buzzkill! … Oh god! Did you get that? _**Buzz**_ -kill? Because I'm sooooo buzzzzed? I'm sooooo fucking hilarious! Do you think I could take on Ellen?" Piper is positively bouncing in Alex's lap now.

Another round of laughter.

"Yeah, Al! Don't be such a buzzkill!" someone else perks up, only to be rewarded (?) with an effortless flip off from said buzzkill.

"Aaaaalex! Come on! We'll even sing that song you hold mock disdain for but secretly are in-"

Once again, the ensuing words are cut off although Piper does manage to let out a muffled "Spice Girls" and "that zigagzig song" through Alex's hand on her mouth.  
"Babe seriously, we are not going up there and spontaneously bursting into a song. That's not …... I don't think this is High School Musical."

"Ooooooh..… The one with the teenaged semi-Lannister twins! God I love that song in the end – you know, the one where they miraculously get backup beats when they only have a pianist. It's like … my _jam_!"

"I…. don't …... I really don't think so, babe." Alex glares at their friends, who are shaking with laughter.

And then before anyone knows it, Piper is plunging into her 'jam'.  
"We're soaring, we're flying, there's not a star in heaven that-"

Once again, the off key crooning is cut off by Alex, eliciting a round of simultaneous applause and boos from their piqued audience. Yes, they've got an audience now, because of course, Piper clambered onto a table to bust out her rendition.

"And that is our cue to leave. This was fun, you guys. Also, you're all kinda jackasses." Alex says as she pulls down her girlfriend from her perch atop the table.  
And with that, she waves goodbye, pulling an inebriated Piper into her arms.

"Peace out, y'all!" Piper yells out behind her as they get their jackets and leave.

\-------------------------------------

Slipping out into the cold chill that has blanketed the city, Alex shudders as a gust of wind suddenly hits her. Piper squeaks out in shock and edges closer to the brunette's embrace, burying her head in the crook of Alex's neck and muttering incomprehensibly.

"Awww Pipes, just because you've lost your audience doesn't mean you have to tone down the volume and coherence."

"Mmmmm…stop teasing your girlfriend Al. She's feeling pretty woozy."

"Uh huh. The fact that she's referring to herself in the third person tells me as much."

"Al!" she whinnies.

"Okay, okay, I get it. No teasing the girlfriend. Now what were you saying?"

"I was saying … I really really really wanted us to sing." She speaks out petulantly while trying to muster up a pout.

"We can sing the next time Pipes. When you aren't drunk off your ass and interested in slaying 'Wannabe' with me – you know, so that we don't become victim to a whole week's ridicule, if not more. That sound okay, babe?"

"Hmm…." 

"Okay?"

"But Al, what if I get drunk the next time too? And the time after that? And the time even after that? What if I _**always**_ keep getting drunk?-"

"Which isn't very unlikely actually, now that I think of it. Sorry, my bad."

"Exactly! Wait … what?"

Alex laughs as Piper struggles to latch onto the insinuation of her words, failing desperately as her eyebrows crease in confused concentration.

"Ugh, never mind. So, my point is, what if I never get to sing with you? And then what if we grow old and die without the scientists having found some way for us to upload  
our consciousness into robots? Or worse, what if that place shuts down? That would be so tragic!"

"We do have a karaoke machine at home, hon. And seriously Pipes, priorities?"

"Al! Don't go hatin' on me!" Piper exclaims.

"You do realize that you're speaking like a teenager, don't you?"

But she isn't really listening because, the next thing Alex knows, Piper has abruptly stopped walking and is looking at her, grinning manically. Which, Alex knows, is not a good sign, having no dearth of experience with the incidents that follow that smile.

"Oh I know! Let's sing out _here_! There's no one to see us!"

"Uh, Pipes, we're on the street. How exactly is there no one to see us?"

"Alex! Come on! Live vicariously with me! Take the plunge!" she throws her hands into the air.

"Like you plunged into the pit of embarrassment back at the bar? Nah, I think I'll pass."

"Hater!"

"Besides," Alex continues, without skipping a beat, "As far as living vicariously with you is concerned, I think I already do that. Unless you think jumping off cliffs and airplanes doesn't qualify."

"Again, so not the point! This, breaking free of society's shackles and restraints, and letting ourselves just be, this is living vicariously!"

"I still don't get how you can be hammered and yet, able enough to roll off some heavy shit like that. Like …. just …... how?"

But Alex is smiling now, because all of this, the rambles and capers and the effervescence and even the whining, it's just so …... Piper.

Ignoring her words, Piper pushes herself off of Alex to step in front and face her, grasping at the lapels of the brunette's jacket to steady herself. She's effectively hopping now, her face lighting up in excitement as Alex watches on, eyebrows lifted in curious anticipation.

"Okay, so I'll begin and you join in - sounds cool? And no shutting me up with your hand on my mouth this time, please. I have rights, I'll let you know."

"Wait, I thought this was about living vicariously. Now you're just confusing me, Pipes." Alex lets out, mockingly scrunching up her face in concentration.

"Pshhhhh, shut up! Well…I mean…. don't 'Shut Up' shut up ….. we **do** need you to sing. Okay, so do you-"

But the successive thoughts never get to materialize into words because once again, Alex cuts her off. 

Only, this time, the feat is accomplished by dragging the blonde in for a searing kiss, hands on her waist, pulling her impossibly close. 

Piper, initially hesitant, soon gives in to the pheromones now flooding through her, and in a moment, what began as a (seemingly) innocent kiss escalates into tongues dancing and hands moving everywhere. 

"So, is it okay if I shut you up with my _**mouth**_ on yours?" Alex asks as she breaks the kiss and smirks, arms still hugging Piper close to her body. 

" Mmmm…if you shut me up like _that_ , I might just never want to stop singing, you know?" Piper replies, eyes still closed, fingers absently twirling Alex's hair. 

"And we don't want that, do we? So that's a 'No', then." Alex deadpans, trying to hide her grin. 

"What? Nooooooooo! That's not a 'No'!" Piper jerks her head up from its position on Alex's shoulder as the latter bursts into laughter. 

"Why not? Do we really want you to keep singing, especially-" 

And this time, it's Piper interrupting Alex's words with her hand. 

"Alex." 

"Yes?" 

"Just shut up and kiss me." 

And Alex just complies, very very enthusiastically, at that, seizing Piper's lips once again, as the snowflakes begin to descend upon them in the silence of the night. 

_(I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where._

_I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride;_

_so I love you because I know no other way than this.)_

**Author's Note:**

> I absolutely love the idea of a drunk Piper spouting bad puns; stupid slang and random shit about pop culture and philosophy in big words (she already does that last part without a filter when sober – re: the Inspector Gadget and The Road Not Taken incidents – might as well do it when drunk) while simultaneously being teased and adored by Alex because Alex is such a fucking sap inside (aren't all the tall, dark, brooding ones? XD). 
> 
> Hence this piece of fluff.
> 
> The last few lines are from Neruda's 'I Do Not Love You'. Genius, that man.
> 
> Also, apologies for any typos/inaccuracies in there. No beta. So yeah.
> 
> Reviews will be greatly appreciated.
> 
> Thank you!


End file.
